Lord Jesus Christ my God[1], let me echo your life, my Savior and Deliverer.[2] Your love to me is better than wine.[3] Your love for me is wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.[4] I must carry the cross with you and love you supremely above all others.[5] With every promise and vow I render to obey, let your blood sprinkle[6] and your Spirit seal[7] my words, thoughts and actions. I weep with terror to pray these things, even to declare that I will do them, unless I have my heart crushed as you predict my miserable fraud.[8]Or I disown you in an instant of vulnerability. Let me identify with you in your passion.[9]

I know the only path I can walk is to exchange my life for your life. As I kneel with you in Gethsemane, it is hard to pray. I am so weary and tired, I want to sleep off my sorrow with other disciples much better than I,[10] rather than pray as I struggle with you for another way to perform the will of the Father. But let me billow out with you over and over again the words, “Not my will but yours!”[11] At this moment we look like we have fought against a mutual enemy in a bloody battle.[12] Let me make supplication until the terrain of my sinful nature begins to sweat the blood of surrender in this cosmic tug-of-war. Let me with you give Abba, Father my heart, mind and will in exchange for his heart, mind and will.

 Let me stand with you before Pilate, Herod and the Elders of Israel-all those who raged against you.[13] This is the hour of darkness for us both where God allows us to be subject to his will through the actions of wicked men.[14] Let me stand not as a prosecutor or defender, but silent with you,[15] associated with you in all you are accused. If a good name is like riches than here you and I become bankrupt as we empty ourselves of reputation.[16] Allow me to stand as a spectacle with you, excluded and abused.[17] Let the spittle of the insults of those who insult you fall upon me.[18] They hurl invisible punches and kicks that wound me more the force of physical violence.[19] I grab your hand as reaching for you as I can bear no more and you look at me and communicate a peace that silences the screams of rage in my heart.

Let me be stripped of the robe of my personality, career and identity so I might be one with your unique character. Others may gamble with the garments of their soul hoping to purchase what is not for sale and have neither inheritance nor share in these matters.[20] But let my heart be so united to your fear it may be like the seamless garment you wore.[21] 

Even as the scarlet robe of mockery was laid on your back for a few moments and eventually you were given back your own majestic robe[22] the robe of mockery was made elegant by your wearing it[23] though bloodied with mans dishonor, [24] so whatever men label me, whatever title or position men confer on me in promotion or ridicule, may I be covered in the train of your robes.[25]

As we are bound together and then brought before the torturers to be whipped, let those whips be like the whip you used to drive out every thieving embezzlement in the temple of my heart,[26] which is supposed to be your Fathers house of worship.[27] Let me learn with you obedience through the things I suffer.[28]

As I brace with teeth clenched waiting for the whip, I am afraid, I cannot concentrate. But as we are beaten simultaneously, as the lash comes down upon your body, it comes down upon my soul. I look at your face wincing and you speak through the pain the needed exhortation, “My son, do not forget my words, don’t let this discipline and correction, discourage you. If your hand and legs become weak it will trip up other people. Remember my steadfast love.”  Let the harsh noise of chastisement end and let the hush of a pure life be the consequence of this training.”[29]

Force me to bear your cross.[30] I do love you and would voluntarily follow, but I grieve how fickle my love really is. Therefore, leave me no choice to do otherwise. I will bear it behind you, I will follow you. I must see you ahead[31] so my heart will be comforted knowing that I do not die for naught. Those around us are weeping as you and I walk together in this funeral procession that brings you, oh Prince of Life to your torture and death. Their sorrow for you and I will not deter us. No love in this life or for this life can coerce me away from walking with you to the point of no return. I hate with a perfect hatred every thing that would call me away from you.[32]

Let me be crucified with you. This is living death, dying daily.[33] Here I am becoming extinct, with opportunity to be rescued from the cross[34] Here I am suspended somewhere between the sky and earth, heaven and hell, holiness and disobedience. If I fall slain let it be on the side of obedience from which your blood flows in salvation. I remember your words, “If I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me.”[35] I realize that in order to experience being lifted up in heavenly places[36], the spiritual irony and paradox of being lifted up with you. Let me die with you and let my death to my self rule be for you. For I groan and feel burdened, because I long to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.[37]

In this death there is not only searing pain, there is no hunger but severe, ruthless thirst. You offered the best wine to the thirsty, but all they give you is sour vinegar which you seem to receive it but actually refuse the fruit of the vine in bitter or sweet form until you drink it fresh with me in your kingdom. As the hyssop branch upon which the sponge is attached is lifted to your lips, I speak the words, “Cleanse me with hyssop and I shall be clean, wash me and I shall be whiter than snow.” [38] As the sponge is pressed to your lips it is as if they dip that branch in the running water and outpoured blood of your sacrifice for my cleansing.[39]  I know that many times I have received the sop that bribes the feelings of desire with momentary comfort only to experience dehydration once again. I thirst for friendship, fellowship, wealth and power. But everyday I must refuse. I must refuse the vinegar for that wine that comes only from you.

He speaks, “It is finished.” I am finished. I own his death now. His body is lifeless. Yours the most awesome life is now the most awful death. You, the living Word, are silent. I am quiet. I can see but not with my eyes. I can hear but not with my ears. I can feel but not with my skin. There is no more pain but an awful stillness. This is interment of a spiritual kind. He disappears from my view as I fade to black. I call out for him. My beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spoke. I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

I know your death is for me, “But what of my death with you. What will you gain if I die, if I sink down into the grave? Can my dust praise you from the grave? Can it tell the world of your faithfulness?[40] The sepulcher stone closes upon us, I cannot shudder with fear, though I would. I would weep, but those who are in the grave do not weep. There is no time, I cannot ask, “How long?” Now I must sleep, for how long I do not know.

An hour, and a day, and a month, and a year may have passed but it is the voice of my beloved that rouses me! He says, “Wake up, O sleeper rise from the dead and I will shine on you!” I awake by an unearthly heavenly Light, and then there is a powerful shifting beneath me and around me. The earth shakes. I can focus. I can inhale and exhale. My first breath is more spirit than oxygen. I am not only breathing but singing in a range that seems impossible. This is a song I have not ever been able to sing until now! I am not dead any more. I am alive! My body is animated with the presence of God himself.  I am startled by a hand grasping mine gently but so powerfully it startles me! My Lord is grasping my hand. “Fear not for I am with you, be not afraid, It is I.”

Where have you been my beloved? I have been conquering. I have been riding prosperously in truth meekness and righteousness and my right hand accomplished incredible things which you cannot begin to understand! I know it is Jesus but now it seems more proper to say Lord Jesus. We rise out of the tomb and what I believe to be armies faint before the presence of the crucified One. The King of Kings, the risen Lord is who I serve. He calls me friend, yet he is Emperor Universal of all things in heaven and on earth, every throne, government, power and authority. I see the waters freeze into roads and skies split at his call. He turns the forest into deserts and the barren wastelands in fruitful fields! He sweeps away mountains with his right hand and pulls up valleys with his left! I found him whom my soul loves: I held him, and would not let him go. I am leaning upon my beloved as I come up from the desert of death. But he says, Do not cling to me, I have not ascended to our Father and our God as of yet. I know he must remain in heaven until the time for the final restoration of all things. But as I release him from my hold but it seems his His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me, for he enters my heart. Yes enclosed within this vessel lives the Son of God. The King has brought me into his chambers! He who is enthroned above in glory has now settled within me, this is the reflection of this disciple. 

 

[1] Acts 4:12; Titus 2:13

[2] 1 Cor. 11:1

[3] Song 1:2

[4] 2 Sam.1:26

[5] Luke 9:23, Luke 14:26.

[6] Ex. 24:7-8

[7] Eph.1:13;4:30

[8] John 13:38

[9] Acts 1:3

[10] Luke 22:45

[11] Mk. 14:32-41

[12] Luke 22:44

[13] Ps. 2:1

[14] Luke 22:53; John 19:11; Acts 2:23

[15] Is. 53:7

[16] Prov. 22:1; Phil. 2:7

[17] Hebrews 10:33

[18] Romans 15:3

[19] Prov. 25:18

[20] Acts 8:18-20

[21] John 19:23-24

[22] Psalm 93:1

[23] Luke 23:11

[24] Mt. 27:28

[25] Isaiah 6:1

[26] Prov. 26:3

[27] John 2:14-16

[28] Heb. 5:8

[29] Heb 12:5-13

[30] Lu. 23:26-27

[31] Heb. 6:20

[32] Ps. 139:22

[33] Luke 9:23

[34] Mk. 15:30

[35] John 12:32

[36] Eph 2:5

[37] 2 Cor 5:3

[38] John 19:28-30; Ps. 51:7

[39] Ex. 12:22; Lev. 14:4

[40] Ps. 30:9